the movie, “the matrix,” has much to teach us. the title is a reference to the movie. it involves coming out of world systems, mk ultra programming and into freedom we have never known.
we’re witnessing the liberation of millions of children from human slavery, trafficking and satanic ritual abuse, torture and cannabalism. yes, it’s that bad. and worse.
photo credit: pixabay
you’re free to stop here to breathe. pray. each of us is different.
your awakening is your own. don’t run from it and don’t fear it.
put yourself in father god’s hands with all these things.
there are resources and links below to get you started.
i bless you to be led where you need to go, to learn what you need to learn, to be who you’re called be to as a son of god to complete your destiny scroll.
she drew in a breath as the speaker echoed what holy spirit showed her years earlier. it was still as unnerving to her human ears: “the plan for our destruction was released the moment we were conceived.”
immediately, her thoughts returned to the day with the life altering vision. it happened on a sunday morning, transporting her back ages to a place she’d not been before. she recounted the thoughts and events of the morning with uncanny accuracy.
the summer sun streamed through her bedroom windows as she prepared to make the thirty mile drive to church. going to this particular place in the city was an assignment to re-dig wells they didn’t know were stopped up. she mused over what had transpired there in the months she’d been attending.
a religious spirit dominated most of the services held in the auditorium of the catholic school. she was sent to pray in tongues, worship and shift the atmosphere. the leaders didn’t like her or her gifts much.
most sundays, friendly fire came at her from the pulpit. jesus always warned her in advance so she knew to dodge those fiery darts. it stung when the pastors bashed and mocked the gifts given by the father of lights, but they’d been taught the gifts were over, invalid and irrelevant.
they reacted badly when someone came around actually using them for all to see and hear. her living testimony flew in the face of bad doctrine, fear and religious spirits.
all things considered, it was no surprise they refused to interview her in their search for a female pastor. she knew more than they did, and clearly, that would never work in their structure; she would not be controlled. she had something else, too – a real relationship with the king of the universe spilling out all over in living color.
over time, their views would change. transformation would occur from the inside out, instead of the reverse, common in so many denominations.
she sighed as she recalled the end of their hiring process. instead of hiring a woman, they filled the open position with a young man, one like them. when the new pastor started, she secretly encouraged him to break out of their religious boundaries.
shaking off those thoughts, the vision opened up to her.
holy spirit took her up into the heavens to a place where secret conversations and plans were made, like a strategy room. what she saw took place ions earlier. clearly, an ancient mystery was being revealed to her.
she saw father god sitting in his big armchair with several destiny scrolls in his lap. one was opened up, unfurled and held between his large, capable hands. on the right side of the chair, hovering up near his right ear, was a spirit. preparations were underway for it to become a human in the earth.
destiny scrolls were of great significance. detailed planning went into the creation and execution of each one. they not only impacted the earth, but the heavens and the entire universe.
the relationship between father and this spirit was tender and intimate, their discussion was playful until the conversation grew somber. she heard father explaining what was being asked of this spirit. the spirit grew quiet, processing the information it heard.
the request was daunting, seemingly impossible. the implications were unpleasant, even deadly, depending on physical location within the activities of the scroll. if the spirit consented to this plan, it would do so out of love, obedience and deep trust.
in it all, the creator knew his own intent and how every piece would fit together. he saw the restoration of all things culminating at the end of the scroll. he waited a moment for the spirit to catch the same vision.
photo credit: pixabay
in a flash, the spirit saw it, shouting, ‘yes!’ loudly without reservation. it was a scene unlike any other.
holy spirit turned back to her. shaken at what she’d witnessed, she was unprepared for the question put before her.
“what if,” holy spirit paused, “what if, one of these spirits agreed to come into such gross outer darkness with only the promise that someone would reach down to pull them out?”
the truth of this revelation was immediate. there could be no more wrong judgment against humanity. no one knew what another had signed up for in the strategy room outside of time.
she considered again how satan releases the plan of destruction against each human at the moment of conception. maybe those condemned the most have the greatest assignments sent against them.
some escape, sharing harrowing stories as victims or perpetrators, but all victims, nonetheless. one woman was chosen to be a mother of darkness in satan’s empire as a little girl.
her family has been held captive for generations, as are so many others. many of them are simply born into it and have never known freedom.
the woman shared valuable intelligence from every aspect of satan’s operations, describing in detail the five divisions of his organization: satanists, freemasons, the catholic church, the mormon church and the cabal.
armed with this knowledge, she saw how individuals and entities were aligned under each demonic division – and what was required to shift them to kingdom influence and rule. the kingdoms of this world would become the kingdoms of our god as life was spoken into them.
when the vision was over, the directive was clear: reach down to pull another out of gross outer darkness.
two years passed since the original vision. holy spirit continued to unpack the vision layer after layer until her heart was laid bare.
after receiving permission to scribe it, it came easily, except the ending.
she had no words to communicate the urgency of the message. the tree of life stood before her, waiting for those who would eat her sweet fruit.
holy spirit would do it, showing each person when they needed rescue by a strong arm pulling them out of gross outer darkness.
holy spirit would show each human the value of their own salvation.
when you tell me we can be friends but you’re not interested in a relationship with any woman, i will guard my heart.
when you tell me you don’t need me to call or text you, i will honor your request.
when you tell me you don’t need help, i will not offer my assistance.
be mindful of the words you speak.
intent carries inertia. it makes what you say become reality.
passive aggressive behavior is dangerous all around.
be mindful you’re not being a bully when you can choose to be kind and loving.
brave introspection reveals less than desirable behaviors to us. it offers a rear view mirror of our lives, sometimes reflecting people who love you running the other direction because they were not valued.
photo credit: pixabay
father only puts up with our nonsense for so long. then he comes with loving discipline because we cannot be children forever. we must grow up.
he removes the people we bully, scapegoat and gas light because he loves them. he will hide and protect them.
he also removes them because he loves us.
after he’s done a hot extraction to rescue our victims of selfishness and narcissism, there’s only the two of us left. then what?
then it’s time to learn who we really are. it’s time to stop living that false identity. it’s time to stop acting out in toddler-esque behavior. it’s time to grow up in jesus.
now, i’m going to get personal.
i won’t say you don’t deserve me because at the core of your being, you absolutely do. you deserve the best. that is father’s plan for you.
it’s also his plan for me. i deserve his best because i’m his daughter. i deserve better than being bullied and mistreated. i deserve to be honored, loved and cherished as my father‘s daughter.
it doesn’t mean there’s not room for mercy, forgiveness and grace. it means i am loving and honoring myself properly. it means i will honor my boundaries to stay healthy.
i’m not willing to eat bread crumbs from the floor when i can feast abundantly at his table. the same holds true for you.
the door to your heart is only open to me when you open it to Jesus. the first love gate belongs to Him. i am second.
until you say, ‘yes’ to holy spirit and yield to the transforming work of the cross in your own life, you won’t have room for me in your heart. it really is that simple.
as you are healed and made whole, you take responsibility for your words and your behavior.
you take responsibility for saying yes to holy spirit’s fire every day so fruit can develop in your life.
me?
i am content. i am my father‘s daughter. no matter what you choose, i will move forward and complete my destiny. nothing will change that.
none of us can fix our lives. not one. nope. nada. zip.
jesus showed up so we would stop the do-it-yourself, burn-the-house-to-the-ground home-improvement projects.
your life was never meant to be torment.
it was meant to be beautiful, full of love, grace and good fruits. you get to choose.
look around you. i know you don’t like what you see and i know you don’t like how you behave. you shouldn’t. it’s not who you really are. i see you. i know.
surrender. surrender it all. surrender your pride. surrender your self-rule.
invite his hammer of grace to come down and utterly smash every false idol you’ve erected.
be who you are as a son of god and kick every false identity to the curb.
give to jesus the reward of his suffering – you.
learn who he is. learn who you are. break bread with him.
cultivate a relationship with the one who made you.
today’s a good day to be born from above.
we have things to do, things we agreed to written on parchment scrolls stored in heaven.
memorial weekend. a girls’ weekend. had she ever been on one? no. it would be a weekend to remember.
two new friends were driving in from spokane, coming to her rescue as she worked through loss, grief and shock.
the loss was severe in its own right. she and her furry snowshoe siamese boy had become one, just like adam and eve had been one with creation in the garden. part of her had died with him in the emergency hospital that day. she had no idea how that piece of her heart would live again.
for weeks, the darkness just got worse as she processed through the sequence of events that led to buddy’s demise. wisdom spoke. not all things could be shared as she saw certain details with great clarity. those she’d loved and trusted had committed the heinous acts of betrayal, loosing dark, destructive acts of witchcraft against her in her own home and workplace.
she’d gone into the courts of heaven weeks previously, summoning the guilty parties as holy spirit pointed them out. the usual suspects were present along with some unexpected guests.
she shook her head in disbelief, noting they all belonged to the same witches coven. most of them were rejected by church people. the enemy wasted no time recruiting them, welcoming use of their gifts for his purposes.
jesus strode into the courtroom, addressing the group at large. “you all know why you’re here. let’s get down to business.”
he began the process of calling out the offenses each had committed against her, waiting for them to own their actions before moving on to the next person.
she watched as some hung their heads in guilt. others turned away from jesus in defiance. it was laughable when they turned on each other, pointing fingers and shouting, “he made me do it!”
she called one last defendant into court to join the other wayward children. he’d been clinging to and actively engaging in so-called white witchcraft, learned from his former wife seated at the table. while she was a practicing witch, he’d also done his share of damage. witchcraft is witchcraft. so is guilt by association.
he stood with his head bowed low as jesus spoke. “are you willing to repent, renouncing your allegiance and participation in all witchcraft and occult?” the man nodded his head, ashamed of what he’d given place to. he was unable to look up to see the love in jesus’ eyes’ for him. he couldn’t receive it yet.
the ever righteous judge ruled in her favor because of the blood, because of the cross. those that had placed a bubble of witchcraft around her were also judged not guilty. the cross stood before them all, a constant reminder of our perfection and innocence before father god before the foundation of the world.
when court was adjourned, she left with a spring in her step thinking the onslaught sent against her was over. it was not.
later, she’d see the one man who’d refused to repent. through him, the enemy kept on with intent to destroy her. his unhealed wounds resulted in extreme narcissism. he had a door flung wide open door for jezebel to walk through and she did, taking up residence and full control. while she lived through the last attack, her beloved kitty did not.
the grief was as relentless as the attacks. she’d done everything she knew to clear her apartment and workplace. friends prayed in agreement. demons still manifested in the wee hours of the morning, banging & tapping on the refrigerator. the one who would not repent astral projected into her apartment whenever he wanted. too tired to fight, she relied on her angels to keep her.
the atmosphere at work intensified, ramping up to yet another flare up with her boss. he was overcome with fear, unwilling to yield to papa’s recent invitation to be loved as a son, to walk with him in the garden.
his unhealed wounds allowed the enemy to use him against her. fear, greed, selfishness, pride. more usual suspects. so many of papa’s sons needed more prayer. her boss had no understanding why he did what he did so he blamed her. she asked for more prayers from her facebook family. they obliged.
the next morning, her angels checked in as she left for work. rafael stood towering above her, smiling confidently. “we have you surrounded, madam.” she grinned, sensing their affection and dedication to her. she saw them in the spirit often. it gave her a sure confidence in father’s ability, desire and promise to protect her.
now she packed for this girls’ weekend. they were coming to her. she didn’t have to go looking for support. help was on the way. faithful friends are precious.
their accommodations were in the heart of the city, but the log cabin décor and atmosphere made them feel like they were deep in the woods. it was perfect. they were minutes from the waterfront, walking trails and great restaurants.
photo credit: the heathman lodgephoto credit: the heathman lodge
they got in late friday night and spent time talking about matters of the heart. saturday morning came too early. no one was in a hurry so they took their time getting ready.
as one of them was leaving the room, she noted the door latch didn’t catch when she pulled the door shut. it wouldn’t lock. they quickly realized their room had been unsecured all night long. it was unsettling.
housekeeping was making their rounds in the hall outside. they quickly contacted the building engineer and he hustled right up to their room. she sat on the bed listening to the man work the door.
one, two, three times she heard him open and close the door. her ears perked up and she said, “wait! listen!” to her friend across the room. father god spoke: “i am securing your calling, i am securing your hearts and i am closing the doors to the things in your lives the enemy has been trying to keep open.”
photo credit: pixabay
he continued, “like a three-fold cord, you will not be easily broken,” referring to the three of them. the broken latch was fixed at 1:01 pm, indicating new beginnings and fresh starts.
wisdom spoke. “turn your wounds into wisdom.” those few words were filled with power. nothing had been wasted. it was being turned for good.
she saw angels sweeping out her apartment and her workplace. there was an immediate shift in so many things.
their personal lives were not the only ones to be impacted that day. holy spirit gave her instructions for an assignment. later that day, they drove to the waterfront with a small container of salt.
each of them took salt in the hands and it in the columbia river flowing below the platform. as they tossed the salt, she prophesied that the salt was now washing the false face of the new age off of vancouver and all of washington, off of portland and all of oregon. they blessed the river with abundance and supernatural cleansing.
photo credit: calstate.aaa.com
it was a holy moment.
they stood in silence watching the river, grateful, thankful and secure.
upon waking, we (referring to my various alter egos) had no idea we would be writing today. indeed, i remarked earlier to a friend that jane doe was still on hiatus and we did not know when she would be returning.
however, the events of today warranted that the lesser known jane what??? make a public appearance to pen comedy for all of you. things have been heavy of late, yes, and while we are assured of victory in every battle, some good roaring laughter can go along way. here we go:
the alarm went off at 5:45 am quickly followed by a muttered ‘shut up’ as my hand groped for the snooze button. this sequence occurred several times, each time resetting the device to ring in 9 minutes. i gave in to it about 6:45 wishing i felt more rested.
the 3 am antics of buddy the wonder cat had already negatively impacted my mood. thus, he found himself on yet another time out in the bathroom until mommy was ready to get up.
i crawled out of bed and located the uncle fester inspired spoonk mat (you can look that up on amazon). plopping it on the floor for the first part of the morning routine. lying down on the sharp acupressure points for a few minutes to awaken my back and spine is a good thing. some would call this torture. i would agree.
after getting myself upright again, i let the cat out of jail. he was suitably repentant (or at least as much as a cat is willing to repent.) we had a few minutes of play before i surveilled the state of my small apartment.
it was a mess. small spaces require more frequent attention or it goes bad quickly. i carried a thoroughly stuffed laundry basket into my main room and dumped it on the floor. clearly, the basket itself had developed supernatural capacity because this was not one load of laundry; it was three. ugh.
i sorted clothes. i counted quarters. yes, i can do this. so off i went with the 1st load to the laundry room. it’s equipped with one washer and one dryer for all seven apartments. i loaded the washer, fed it coins and detergent and scooted back before anyone saw me.
after brewing my cuppa, i sat down at the computer to catch up on social media and thank papa for this day, asking holy spirit to order my weekend.
photo credit: pixabay
after a nice conversation with m. on messenger, i drank my coffee, scrolled twitter and the cia life tracker (oops, i mean facebook. do not send me any ugly messages. you know it’s true.)
with caffeine powering me, i began the business of picking up and clearing out to get the vacuuming under way. when that task was accomplished, i carted the second load of laundry to the laundry room. this one had the sheets and mattress pad in it. i purposely did it in this order so i wouldn’t have to do the third load today if i ran out of mojo. the first load went into the dryer and i returned to the vacuuming.
after cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, i went to retrieve the first load from the dryer, folding it after throwing the sheets, etc. into the dryer. with the first load was folded, i went back to my apartment and finished cleaning the main living space. hang in there with me. we’re about to change gears, i promise.
after a suitable amount of time passed, i returned to the laundry room to retrieve the second load from the dryer and get the third load drying. the end was in sight.
i pulled open the dryer door to find a foreign object on top of my items. YES. something that DID NOT belong to me was in my laundry. my CLEAN laundry. one of my fellow tenants put his (yes, assuming the male species) wet bath mat in MY hot dryer cycle, paid for with MY $$$$, with MY clean sheets and mattress pad in it.
photo credit: jane what???
jane very loudly exclaimed, “WHAT???” yes, she did. i did. whatever. we ALL did.
ladies, i bet you KNOW every thought i was having in that moment. WHO does THIS??? WHAT???
going into full detective mode, i considered which apartment housed the guilty party. there are only 7 here. the process of elimination pointed the arrow to the culprit(s) quickly.
i walked over and knocked on the apartment door, waiting a moment. no answer. but i could hear the silent, ‘uh, oh’ through the door.
i returned to folding my sheets, hearing that same apartment door open and close several times while i was still in the laundry room. i smelled their fear at being busted for this heinous act. the big momma alter ego was having too much fun.
possession is still 9/10’s of the law. i have the offending bath mat secured in my apartment. it is my hostage until the owner is courageous enough to knock on my door and own his offense.
in wisdom, i notified my landlord about this infraction. he offered that if my big momma voice was good enough for him, it will be good enough for them as well.
this, friends, is jane what???’s crazy story for the day. you can’t make this stuff up.
something tells me the boys will just go buy another bath mat..
july 2017 to august 2017. thirteen months filled with love, laughter, healing and thirteen months of intense warfare, deception, heartbreak and overcoming. she’d lived to tell.
photo credit: pixabay
sword in her right hand and scepter in her left, she’d learned her lessons well. relationships ended from bad choices and the enemy overplaying his hand.
demons were overcome in battles fought only to win. there was no other way except through. her gifts and abilities were honed and refined, becoming useful, dangerous weapons.
father moved her back to the place where the war had begun seven years earlier. standing in a ‘live to tell’ place in time, the song played in her head, the words encouraging her fingers on the keyboard.
if i ran away, i’d never have the strength to go very far how would they hear the beating of my heart will it grow cold the secret that i hide, will i grow old how will they hear when will they learn how will they know
a man can tell a thousand lies i’ve learned my lesson well hope i live to tell the secret i have learned, ’till then it will burn inside of me
the truth is never far behind you kept it hidden well if i live to tell the secret i knew then will i ever have the chance again
some stories would be told without repercussion while others were time sensitive, requiring discernment on their release.
others still would hold consequences. choices for righteousness would be offered yet again. others would remain secret. honor and love protect both the guilty and the innocent.
when the last showdown occurred, she was still standing, having never hit the ground. she stood shocked, betrayed, bruised and bloodied with a deep stab wound.
her nemesis was a pawn of the enemy, a sister she had loved well, trusted implicitly, shared her life with on every level. when the bad acting was fully revealed and over, she forgave quickly and easily.
scissors in hand, she quickly cut the puppet strings above her head one by one. freedom came like a freight train, joy and peace flooding her soul.
witchcraft is ugly. it takes the wounded captive but cares not if they are destroyed with the intended target. the enemy cares little about collateral damage or friendly fire.
the spirit made several attempts at re-entry into her home and life. she put it on notice, now clearly recognizing it as the same one that had astral projected into the tacoma convention center a year earlier. “if you come in here, or anywhere in the realm of my authority, i will cut your silver cord and it will be over for you. your choice. i have permission.”
she closed the spiritual doors, gates and any other potential opening, taking care to remove anything from her possession that constituted a soul tie.
jewelry is not lovely or valuable if it has bad juju on it. she blessed it and gave it to an employee at a local retailer, a young woman delighted at the unexpected gift. those earrings would look lovely on her. might as well do good with them.
the exposure increased and intensified over several months at the end, a mental game of chess that turned physical on occasion as the enemy tried to take her out.
she knew she needed help. every morning she asked the spirit of truth to lead her into all truth while asking father to show her where witchcraft was operating in her life. he showed her and quickly.
she questioned him about the unraveling and inevitable end on august 25, understanding very little as physical strength flowed back into her body.
on august 26, he said, “everything has a season.” she nodded, taking it to heart. she knew he would tell her more as she could bear it.
it didn’t take long.
on september 8, he continued. “you asked for preparation, for training, for discernment and equipping. opportunities were given to you to increase in those areas.”
the training was hard, ugly, painful and costly. the losses alone nearly made her give up hope. instead, she held the promises tightly in her fists, speaking them out and reminding father of them often. they would not be stolen. she had confidence he would restore what had been damaged or stolen.
when she asked jesus to pull out the last knife, it didn’t hurt too much at all.
they drove to the coast for the day. she had some props to stage and photograph for a piece she was writing. she invited him along for company, for help and because she loved him.
it wasn’t a good weather day at the beach. the temperature was cold and the sky was overcast. the wind blew hard. after parking the car, they got out their cameras to explore the treasures of the beach.
photo credit: jane doe
it wasn’t long before he began walking the other direction, intently focused on unusual birds and adjusting camera settings. maybe today he would get perfect shots that would fix all the broken things.
photo credit: jane doe
she watched him go, giving him time do what he loved. it was low tide, offering them a rare opportunity to see eddies and tide pools normally hidden in high tide. the wind and the waves formed intricate designs and patterns in the sand. she took a few photos as she admired the handiwork and creativity of the one who’d made it all.
after a while she needed his help. she began calling his name as she walked toward him. to her surprise, he turned and walked the other direction, oblivious to her calls, to her existence on the beach with him. she started shouting his name hoping he would hear her voice above the wind, willing him to hear her deep calling to his.
suddenly, stark reality pierced her heart. tears and wind stung her eyes. she stopped shouting and stopped walking. she stood still in the wind watching him walk further away from her.
she realized he wouldn’t have needed to hear her if he saw her and honored her in his heart. he would have sensed her need and heard her calling him in his spirit.
but he couldn’t honor her because he didn’t honor father. and there were things blocking his vertical relationship with his abba. they were cameras, lenses, flash drives, birds, animals, all good things, yes, but they’d become idols.
the very gifts he’d been given were now stumbling blocks as he looked to them for identity and fulfillment. every day, he put them first, blocking the goodness, love and healing father wanted to pour into him.
those good things caused blindness, a tunnel vision in every part of his life. he was unable to see anyone else because he was focused on himself. similar to a funhouse mirror, the tunnel vision was destroying the very relationships he said mattered most to him.
vertical relationships with father, jesus and holy spirit must be correctly aligned for horizontal relationships with people to work.
it was 5 am saturday morning. she was wide awake. sleeping in wasn’t happening today. another roller coaster week in her never a dull moment life was over. it was time to rest and reflect, laugh again.
it was a melting pot of warfare, sleepless nights, tears, passionate conversations with bad endings. demons swearing at her. nice. what was that about being blessed when you’re persecuted and people talk ugly to you? she shook her head and laughed. the devil only has a hissy fit when you’re doing something right. well then.
trust the process
“trust the process,” her friend told her. when she heard it, she knew it came right from papa god’s heart. trust the process. indeed. she’d asked papa for his best for her.
she’d seen him through his papa’s eyes for some time now. she saw him in truth, in perfection, as a beloved son even when he wasn’t fully awake to this reality.
he’d had brilliant prophetic words spoken over him, words of promise, hope and a future. he saw vignettes of unlimited possibilities and potential, the ways papa god wanted to bless him as his son. he saw how his gifts and talents could be brought to life.
photo credit: pixaby
most importantly, he was presented with the beautiful gift of a wife, a full partner he could walk with in this life. would he step into his destiny? would he come back for her?
this was a major life decision. in returning to her, he’d be turning his face fully back to papa god. it meant walking arm in arm with him in unity. it meant stepping into sonship.
it meant radical change in direction, a homecoming worth celebrating loudly. the cloud of witnesses perched on the edge of their seats wondering how this would play out. would he choose well? would he be bold and courageous? yes, the stakes were high but the reward was great.
she’d prayed intently over him and his family for cleansing and restoration in their blood lines. for all the enemy stole to be returned to them 7-fold.
weeks turned to months, months grew to years. she wept over him, took communion over him, visioning life with him. she determined to cooperate fully with papa god, willing him to have every opportunity to make the best choice for his future and future generations.
she prayed for wisdom and revelation that the eyes of his understanding would be open. she prayed for his heart to be one with father god’s heart again. she called to his spirit to rise up and lead his soul, declaring his spirit would only be led by holy spirit.
faithful friends stood with her and prayed. in all of it she kept telling papa god she wanted his best.
she gave him wide margins to work things out on his own. she spoke when holy spirit prompted her – and sometimes when silence was the better option. grace covered her.
unconditional love often gets an unexpected response
wisdom dictated several things she would not compromise. those things had earned her unfriending, blocking and ‘goodbye.’ unconditional love often gets an unexpected response.
jesus chimed in on her thoughts, showing her some of his daily experience. he’s telling us, “i love you, i’m here for you, not leaving you. ever.” his compassion rises, watching us trying to stitch up our gaping wounds. we lay there bleeding, still holding up the hand, saying, “i’m good here. get the hell away from me.”
see how we are
see how we are. still, he doesn’t leave. he waits until we give in, showing him our wounds, allowing him to love and heal us. she remembered her conversation with jesus, drowning in her own lake of mess. “i am so freaking broken. what do you want with me??”
she could see it wasn’t him rejecting her. it was a combination of pain, fear and angst speaking, a realization that the old ways of dodging brokenness weren’t working.
she didn’t leave, either. she loved him hard, praying for him when she would have rather kicked his backside. love never fails, never gives up. it gets up in the morning to love another day, to love the hell away.
now, she waited, trusting the process, waiting on the promise.
it was a birthday gift from a *sister, the one who filled the role of *jonathan in their david and jonathan relationship.
photo credit: pixabay
it was breathtaking, in full bloom the day she received it, adorned with five beautiful white blossoms. she’d never had an orchid before. it intimidated her. she knew they could be tricky to care for.
not only that, but this was a gift from a friend. what if it died? this was different than failing with a plant you bought for yourself. there was pressure to keep the plant alive and nurture the relationship that was clearly from papa god. oh boy.
over time, the delicate white petals dried up and gently fell to the cabinet below. the stems that held the petals also dried up and fell off. only a long green stalk remained where so much glory and beauty had shown weeks earlier. even the stalk began to dry up. she clipped it back, hopeful it would prevent further decay. it did not.
desperate, she cut it back again. ugh. this was a failure. no, she was failing at caring for the white orchid. so she thought.
there was danger in overwatering these plants. she followed the watering instructions. and somehow overwatered it. the little pieces of bark on the top of the pot grew mold. the small new shoots at the bottom of the plant were moldy. more failure. frustrated, she cut off some of the moldy shoots. they would not recover from the mold.
conversely, the green leaves at the base of the plant were huge. they looked healthy while the stalk that once held the flowers was dried up and quite a bit shorter than before. she shook her head. overall, the prognosis was poor. the big leaves were healthy but would it ever bloom again?
every day she looked at the orchid, wondering if she should just throw it in the dust bin and be done with it. looking at it was tormenting, a constant reminder of failure.
one day, with a burst of resolve, she moved it to the window ledge. here it would get intense sunlight whenever the sun made an appearance during the rainy winter. she still gave it an occasional drink, teetering between willing it to live and wanting to pitch it. she was sure she sucked at caring for this gift. where had the green thumbs gone?
months went by. on the saturday morning before easter sunday, she decided to give it a little drink. she considered it might be wise to turn the whole plant around on the window ledge. the backside of the orchid could benefit from the sun, too.
this complicated plant closely mirrored another relationship. she wrestled with vision, hope, and big promises from papa god about this one. all her eggs were in this one basket. the investment was great, the risk high, the reward and return not yet realized. it made her lay awake at night sometimes. what was that about walking by faith and not by sight?
reaching down, she turned the plant 180° and set it down gently. sitting back down at her desk, she saw it. there was a new, beautiful green shoot growing from the stalk she’d cut back and left for dead. not only that, there was another smaller shoot growing up at the base of the pot on the top of one of those big, healthy green leaves.
new life was springing up all over this plant.
she was dumbstruck. leaning in for closer examination with wide eyes and eyebrows raised, she found yet another new shoot growing from underneath another large green leaf. even the moldy shoots that remained were growing new shoots. what???
photo credit: tv guide
the stalk she’d thought was dead was now producing new life. she looked at it, tears running down her face. new life was springing up all over this plant she’d wanted to toss out.
she looked spoke to the orchid and the man she loved in her words of blessing.
“i bless you to grow and bloom more than you were ever told you could.”
the plant and the man would respond beautifully to her words of love and encouragement.
it was easter morning when she wrote this post. the deer were passing through the back yard, playing and leaping as they often did. her morning cup of coffee went down easy as she listened to elisabeth cooper (the journey) sing about the banqueting table set before her.
the plant continued to speak to her. things were seldom as they appeared. more tears flowed.
then she heard daddy god’s quiet voice break into her thoughts, mingling with her hopeful tears.
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