good day, dear reader,
upon waking, we (referring to my various alter egos) had no idea we would be writing today. indeed, i remarked earlier to a friend that jane doe was still on hiatus and we did not know when she would be returning.
however, the events of today warranted that the lesser known jane what??? make a public appearance to pen comedy for all of you. things have been heavy of late, yes, and while we are assured of victory in every battle, some good roaring laughter can go along way. here we go:
the alarm went off at 5:45 am quickly followed by a muttered ‘shut up’ as my hand groped for the snooze button. this sequence occurred several times, each time resetting the device to ring in 9 minutes. i gave in to it about 6:45 wishing i felt more rested.
the 3 am antics of buddy the wonder cat had already negatively impacted my mood. thus, he found himself on yet another time out in the bathroom until mommy was ready to get up.
i crawled out of bed and located the uncle fester inspired spoonk mat (you can look that up on amazon). plopping it on the floor for the first part of the morning routine. lying down on the sharp acupressure points for a few minutes to awaken my back and spine is a good thing. some would call this torture. i would agree.
after getting myself upright again, i let the cat out of jail. he was suitably repentant (or at least as much as a cat is willing to repent.) we had a few minutes of play before i surveilled the state of my small apartment.
it was a mess. small spaces require more frequent attention or it goes bad quickly. i carried a thoroughly stuffed laundry basket into my main room and dumped it on the floor. clearly, the basket itself had developed supernatural capacity because this was not one load of laundry; it was three. ugh.
i sorted clothes. i counted quarters. yes, i can do this. so off i went with the 1st load to the laundry room. it’s equipped with one washer and one dryer for all seven apartments. i loaded the washer, fed it coins and detergent and scooted back before anyone saw me.
after brewing my cuppa, i sat down at the computer to catch up on social media and thank papa for this day, asking holy spirit to order my weekend.
after a nice conversation with m. on messenger, i drank my coffee, scrolled twitter and the cia life tracker (oops, i mean facebook. do not send me any ugly messages. you know it’s true.)
with caffeine powering me, i began the business of picking up and clearing out to get the vacuuming under way. when that task was accomplished, i carted the second load of laundry to the laundry room. this one had the sheets and mattress pad in it. i purposely did it in this order so i wouldn’t have to do the third load today if i ran out of mojo. the first load went into the dryer and i returned to the vacuuming.
after cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, i went to retrieve the first load from the dryer, folding it after throwing the sheets, etc. into the dryer. with the first load was folded, i went back to my apartment and finished cleaning the main living space. hang in there with me. we’re about to change gears, i promise.
after a suitable amount of time passed, i returned to the laundry room to retrieve the second load from the dryer and get the third load drying. the end was in sight.
i pulled open the dryer door to find a foreign object on top of my items. YES. something that DID NOT belong to me was in my laundry. my CLEAN laundry. one of my fellow tenants put his (yes, assuming the male species) wet bath mat in MY hot dryer cycle, paid for with MY $$$$, with MY clean sheets and mattress pad in it.
jane very loudly exclaimed, “WHAT???” yes, she did. i did. whatever. we ALL did.
ladies, i bet you KNOW every thought i was having in that moment. WHO does THIS??? WHAT???
going into full detective mode, i considered which apartment housed the guilty party. there are only 7 here. the process of elimination pointed the arrow to the culprit(s) quickly.
i walked over and knocked on the apartment door, waiting a moment. no answer. but i could hear the silent, ‘uh, oh’ through the door.
i returned to folding my sheets, hearing that same apartment door open and close several times while i was still in the laundry room. i smelled their fear at being busted for this heinous act. the big momma alter ego was having too much fun.
possession is still 9/10’s of the law. i have the offending bath mat secured in my apartment. it is my hostage until the owner is courageous enough to knock on my door and own his offense.
in wisdom, i notified my landlord about this infraction. he offered that if my big momma voice was good enough for him, it will be good enough for them as well.
this, friends, is jane what???’s crazy story for the day. you can’t make this stuff up.
something tells me the boys will just go buy another bath mat..
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